August 6, 2003
Dear Diary, I went to NYC! For them in NY, dont feel pissed I didnt tell y'all. I didnt really tell nobody. I was so freaked the fuck out. I was shakin like a dog on the 4th of July! I don't remember much of it. I was upstairs in this loft thing, they limited folks comin up. I just felt very overwhelmed. Before we went over, Mike Potter (Premiere Mag named him hair stylist of the year or something like that, he did the makeup and hair for Hedwig and The Angry Inch and my LA shoot) and Holly (she assists him and I got a mad crush on her from LA) all hung out in my hotel room at the Tribecca Grand. It was fun, and relaxed me. He made up Emily, we ate candy, listened to music and had a good time. Then they sent a van to get me. When we drove up to the gallery, I could see all these folks through the window. It was fuckin packed. Bruce Benderson was there and greeted me, which was nice, but his concern for me made me even scareder, like a kid thinking about going into the lake but having second thoughts after they see the look on their parents face. But Ive gotten so many emails from folks that were there and they mostly comment on how petrified I looked. I was tryin to look chill, but uh, that didnt fly I reckin. I sat on this couch upstairs and I met a lot of folks, they introduced themselves and I shook a hand and nodded like I knew what was goin on, what they were sayin to me. I was so nervous, and when someone brought over some weed, I got fucked up at the show thing. They were down there looking at pictures of me on the walls, and they looked really beautiful, all framed and all, but man
Steven Klein was very protective of me and loving and that was swell. There were all these folks there. Dang! I met Maxwell the musician guy and then Calvin Klein came with Travis his billboard underwear model. Calvin is the best! We got pics of him and Travis in coon bones, and I will post em soon too! Cloud and Tom came from the Abercrombie and Fitch shoot. Cloud was Gus Van Sants assistant and I really like him. He is very cute too. And Tom works at A&F and weve stayed in touch. Hes the one that carried me in his arms like a prince charming style into the lake. Uh, he is cute as well. For those that aint seen the pic, I was standing in a lake. It looks like I am walkin on water. Mike Pitt showed up after his show. He was in a show called Monster. It just closed. It was so good to see him!!! We all went to the China Club. It was like family, ya know? When someone just feels so familiar to ya? We danced, avoided paparazzi and had a drink. Rufus Wainwright came and we hung out. Emily got a pic of him in a coon bone. He is so sweet! I dug him so much! I met Michael Musto, who was really shy, made me feel like a stalker. He hosted my NY reading back in
when was that? Well he hosted it so I got to thank him coz he was funny. Then we all piled into Stevens SUV and went to Cafeteria to eat. Mike was tryin to get me to eat, so he was feeding me these calamari and everyone started chanting, EAT IT, EAT IT! But I wouldnt. I fed him a few bites tho. I was surprised when I got back and it was 5 something AM!
The next day, Feb 15th I did the fashion show thing, my first time. Fuckin' tripy wacked out scene that is. We did Calvins show and I sat in the front row. Had all these paparazzi in my face. Calvins clothes are wonderful, like you can wear them. It was weird to be sitting there seeing something Id like seen in mags and on TV. I never really paid all that much attention to, but it still was in my awareness. It always seemed this faraway never world and there I was, for better or worse. Then we went to Jeremy Scott show. Who the fuck wears that shit? Man, models for the most part are vapid muthafuckers. I mean they really have no reason to develop a personality, it is all done for them
Then we went to Calvins dinner. It was at this all white on the outside store front, with no name, you would hardly know it was a restaurant. Its called SMITHS I think. I was drawn to sit next to this beautiful lady. I was talking to her, askin her what she does, ( a lot of really righteous human rights work) and she was askin me alotta questions. She invited me to her home in London to visit her. Then I had to pee, so I crawled under the table to get out, and while I was out, Steven Klein tells me she is Bianca Jagger and who that is. What that is suppose to mean. I just thought she was really swell, the work she does. I try not to be impressed with all that other stuff, but it does affect ya, or speakin for myself, it affects me, I hate to admit. It is like breathing some rich oxygen. It is a trip. Calvin Klein showed up, and he chatted with some of the older folks there, some other famous big time folks. Then he hung out with us, he snuggled me, arm around me. I showed him I had his briefs on too! He was just playin with some of the guys at our table, like a cat batting at mice. It was so funny to watch. Calvin offered to make me a suit! He is so wicked funny and so fuckin sharp. They didn't even know they were being had at which made it somewhat humane. They all talked about Traviss dick size, how folks think it is fake, but it aint. I met this model I really liked named James. He had so much personality, I told Gus about him and got his info, well I got Emily to do it. J I was drinking tho, Margaritas. And I got into some other er uh, illegal substances which makes me maybe not a dull boy, but a fuckedup one. Me and this other model who I will not name were havin fun in the corner of the settee. But they dragged me out. Calvin asked me to tally up the dinner charge, like add up the tip and the charge. The tip was like $250 the dinner was $1200 +. I passed, I was too fucked up to do any math. But it was funny to be asked.
So, we are driving and I puked in Steven Klein's SUV, mostly out the door while he kept driving. I kept thinking I was done, but uh, I wasn't. This is like, where will JT PUKE NEXT! Arthur Bradford wrote in his review how I puked when I read with him in SF
but the shit just comes out like that!
http://www.centralbooking.com/nightstand_current.shtml?nightstand=53
The next day I did an interview with a real nice lady from Details Mag. We went to this restaurant that Robert DeNiro owns. The photoshoot we did on the 14th. That was fun. The shoot was fast, and not fun, it was cold. But after we went out to this way fancy restaurant Danube. The photographer is this really great guy, Michael Edwards. He looks like a cross between Hugh Grant (hes got the ironic eyebrow action down) and Michael Hutchence. And his assistant Kava, she was sweet. I got them to hire Holly too. So we all got drunk and ate this rich pre-fixe Valentines day meal. It was good, but they were so chill, I just relaxed and we were loud and inappropriate and it was way swell!
So, I really liked NY. I been before, but it is different when you got nice places to stay and eat and all that. The hotel was nice. They give you this Kiels stuff, and I LOVE the soaps in hotels. Like whenever Gus Van Sant is at a hotel, he lets me clean out his mini-bar and soaps and all. I even took his soap dish once. Coz he stays at nice places that got the sweet condiments. All throughout our house are the little sample sizes of soap, crèmes, shampoo, sewing kits I never use. Even shower caps, I wipe the place clean. Can not help it. I used to do that when I went to a tricks room. Steal whatever I could from the mini-bar and their bathroom. That will be my next 12 step group. I am powerless of hotel room accruements.
Then on Sat we went to Dojos on St Marks, love that place. Ordered a tona food and it was so cheap. Their Hijiki burger and salad rocks! Mike came and we went to see his show. Holly came too. Yay! Pitt was great! I caught his cold tho. I got it now. Then we went to visit Jason Weinberg at his house near Washing Square. He manages Courtney Love, Deborah Harry, just all these folks. That was relaxing, he is really funny. We got invited to the close of Limelight, but we were all tired so I went back to my hotel and Emily and I got drinks, we had got free cocktail coupons. I drank most of hers and mine. No vomit tho. So in the hall, they have these great machines that make you coffee or hot cocoa or a mocha, for free. So we went to get cocoa and there was this cute boy there, he looked sorta like Matt Damon. And he was tryin so fuckin hard to impress us, like how cool he was and all. And he was diggin himself in deeper. We told him we were in the rock band LeRoy. He said he saw us on Leterman. I had a face full of makeup on. I could tell he was already deciding which one of us was gonna be gobblin on his left or right nut. When we said goodnight, it looked like we had told him he was adopted or something. Its like dude - yer hand is yer best buddy tonight.
So about NY
hanging out with folks into the swell underground stuff that is going on, like musically and all is fuckin great, I want to go back and do that more, like the artists and music scene.... I did not go to Ground Zero, but there were places that I knew I should be seeing the Towers and my breathing would stop. I mean you know they are not goin to be there, but still
it is stunning to actually be there and feel it, let it wash over you. And all this facile silly stuff
fashion shows, makeup, all in the shadow of all that went down, somehow seems like a desecration to all those that died and are still suffering. But shit goes on. And that sound trite, but I think that is one of the more sobering and terrifying and animal parts of humans. I mean folks lived through plagues where huge parts of their family and or communities got wiped out, and they fuckin went on. The remembrance of pain is short lived. I guess we are wired that way. I think that is part of why I always keep myself close to pain, like keeping mints in yer pocket to freshen yerself up. It connects me to almost like who I think I am, my past
Sarah.
So, I will be back in March I think for a photoshoot with Mick Rock (he did the cover of the upcoming paperback of The Heart) and in May for the paperback. I am glad I am not living there tho. It would be too easy to be swept up in all the partying, drugs and never write again and just get lost and like a VH1 story, but I already did that part and don't need to do more research. Since I got back, I sat in NA and AA meetings just to get my head re-sewn on. I needed to be reminded, I cannot make drugs and my life work. Jesus, I PRAY I can keep that in my head. I spoke to Mary Karr to get a dose of asskickin around that. That is a HUGE huge reason why I've stayed away from the whole scene... there is always alotta shit around, and I cant seem to say no. And the attention excites me, I can not pretend it dont, but it mortifies me too. How do I balance that?! Being fucked up just makes it all so easier, relaxes me, puts me in that peaceful Hindu cow state. Without that shit, how could I show up? That is the question I gotta try to deal with. Fuck...
I hope yall are all good. I gotta fuckin write. Find out what is goin on in that twisted place of my brain.
Yers, Jt
Steven Klein was very protective of me and loving and that was swell. There were all these folks there. Dang! I met Maxwell the musician guy and then Calvin Klein came with Travis his billboard underwear model. Calvin is the best! We got pics of him and Travis in coon bones, and I will post em soon too! Cloud and Tom came from the Abercrombie and Fitch shoot. Cloud was Gus Van Sants assistant and I really like him. He is very cute too. And Tom works at A&F and weve stayed in touch. Hes the one that carried me in his arms like a prince charming style into the lake. Uh, he is cute as well. For those that aint seen the pic, I was standing in a lake. It looks like I am walkin on water. Mike Pitt showed up after his show. He was in a show called Monster. It just closed. It was so good to see him!!! We all went to the China Club. It was like family, ya know? When someone just feels so familiar to ya? We danced, avoided paparazzi and had a drink. Rufus Wainwright came and we hung out. Emily got a pic of him in a coon bone. He is so sweet! I dug him so much! I met Michael Musto, who was really shy, made me feel like a stalker. He hosted my NY reading back in
when was that? Well he hosted it so I got to thank him coz he was funny. Then we all piled into Stevens SUV and went to Cafeteria to eat. Mike was tryin to get me to eat, so he was feeding me these calamari and everyone started chanting, EAT IT, EAT IT! But I wouldnt. I fed him a few bites tho. I was surprised when I got back and it was 5 something AM!
The next day, Feb 15th I did the fashion show thing, my first time. Fuckin' tripy wacked out scene that is. We did Calvins show and I sat in the front row. Had all these paparazzi in my face. Calvins clothes are wonderful, like you can wear them. It was weird to be sitting there seeing something Id like seen in mags and on TV. I never really paid all that much attention to, but it still was in my awareness. It always seemed this faraway never world and there I was, for better or worse. Then we went to Jeremy Scott show. Who the fuck wears that shit? Man, models for the most part are vapid muthafuckers. I mean they really have no reason to develop a personality, it is all done for them
Then we went to Calvins dinner. It was at this all white on the outside store front, with no name, you would hardly know it was a restaurant. Its called SMITHS I think. I was drawn to sit next to this beautiful lady. I was talking to her, askin her what she does, ( a lot of really righteous human rights work) and she was askin me alotta questions. She invited me to her home in London to visit her. Then I had to pee, so I crawled under the table to get out, and while I was out, Steven Klein tells me she is Bianca Jagger and who that is. What that is suppose to mean. I just thought she was really swell, the work she does. I try not to be impressed with all that other stuff, but it does affect ya, or speakin for myself, it affects me, I hate to admit. It is like breathing some rich oxygen. It is a trip. Calvin Klein showed up, and he chatted with some of the older folks there, some other famous big time folks. Then he hung out with us, he snuggled me, arm around me. I showed him I had his briefs on too! He was just playin with some of the guys at our table, like a cat batting at mice. It was so funny to watch. Calvin offered to make me a suit! He is so wicked funny and so fuckin sharp. They didn't even know they were being had at which made it somewhat humane. They all talked about Traviss dick size, how folks think it is fake, but it aint. I met this model I really liked named James. He had so much personality, I told Gus about him and got his info, well I got Emily to do it. J I was drinking tho, Margaritas. And I got into some other er uh, illegal substances which makes me maybe not a dull boy, but a fuckedup one. Me and this other model who I will not name were havin fun in the corner of the settee. But they dragged me out. Calvin asked me to tally up the dinner charge, like add up the tip and the charge. The tip was like $250 the dinner was $1200 +. I passed, I was too fucked up to do any math. But it was funny to be asked.
So, we are driving and I puked in Steven Klein's SUV, mostly out the door while he kept driving. I kept thinking I was done, but uh, I wasn't. This is like, where will JT PUKE NEXT! Arthur Bradford wrote in his review how I puked when I read with him in SF
but the shit just comes out like that!
http://www.centralbooking.com/nightstand_current.shtml?nightstand=53
The next day I did an interview with a real nice lady from Details Mag. We went to this restaurant that Robert DeNiro owns. The photoshoot we did on the 14th. That was fun. The shoot was fast, and not fun, it was cold. But after we went out to this way fancy restaurant Danube. The photographer is this really great guy, Michael Edwards. He looks like a cross between Hugh Grant (hes got the ironic eyebrow action down) and Michael Hutchence. And his assistant Kava, she was sweet. I got them to hire Holly too. So we all got drunk and ate this rich pre-fixe Valentines day meal. It was good, but they were so chill, I just relaxed and we were loud and inappropriate and it was way swell!
So, I really liked NY. I been before, but it is different when you got nice places to stay and eat and all that. The hotel was nice. They give you this Kiels stuff, and I LOVE the soaps in hotels. Like whenever Gus Van Sant is at a hotel, he lets me clean out his mini-bar and soaps and all. I even took his soap dish once. Coz he stays at nice places that got the sweet condiments. All throughout our house are the little sample sizes of soap, crèmes, shampoo, sewing kits I never use. Even shower caps, I wipe the place clean. Can not help it. I used to do that when I went to a tricks room. Steal whatever I could from the mini-bar and their bathroom. That will be my next 12 step group. I am powerless of hotel room accruements.
Then on Sat we went to Dojos on St Marks, love that place. Ordered a tona food and it was so cheap. Their Hijiki burger and salad rocks! Mike came and we went to see his show. Holly came too. Yay! Pitt was great! I caught his cold tho. I got it now. Then we went to visit Jason Weinberg at his house near Washing Square. He manages Courtney Love, Deborah Harry, just all these folks. That was relaxing, he is really funny. We got invited to the close of Limelight, but we were all tired so I went back to my hotel and Emily and I got drinks, we had got free cocktail coupons. I drank most of hers and mine. No vomit tho. So in the hall, they have these great machines that make you coffee or hot cocoa or a mocha, for free. So we went to get cocoa and there was this cute boy there, he looked sorta like Matt Damon. And he was tryin so fuckin hard to impress us, like how cool he was and all. And he was diggin himself in deeper. We told him we were in the rock band LeRoy. He said he saw us on Leterman. I had a face full of makeup on. I could tell he was already deciding which one of us was gonna be gobblin on his left or right nut. When we said goodnight, it looked like we had told him he was adopted or something. Its like dude - yer hand is yer best buddy tonight.
So about NY
hanging out with folks into the swell underground stuff that is going on, like musically and all is fuckin great, I want to go back and do that more, like the artists and music scene.... I did not go to Ground Zero, but there were places that I knew I should be seeing the Towers and my breathing would stop. I mean you know they are not goin to be there, but still
it is stunning to actually be there and feel it, let it wash over you. And all this facile silly stuff
fashion shows, makeup, all in the shadow of all that went down, somehow seems like a desecration to all those that died and are still suffering. But shit goes on. And that sound trite, but I think that is one of the more sobering and terrifying and animal parts of humans. I mean folks lived through plagues where huge parts of their family and or communities got wiped out, and they fuckin went on. The remembrance of pain is short lived. I guess we are wired that way. I think that is part of why I always keep myself close to pain, like keeping mints in yer pocket to freshen yerself up. It connects me to almost like who I think I am, my past
Sarah.
So, I will be back in March I think for a photoshoot with Mick Rock (he did the cover of the upcoming paperback of The Heart) and in May for the paperback. I am glad I am not living there tho. It would be too easy to be swept up in all the partying, drugs and never write again and just get lost and like a VH1 story, but I already did that part and don't need to do more research. Since I got back, I sat in NA and AA meetings just to get my head re-sewn on. I needed to be reminded, I cannot make drugs and my life work. Jesus, I PRAY I can keep that in my head. I spoke to Mary Karr to get a dose of asskickin around that. That is a HUGE huge reason why I've stayed away from the whole scene... there is always alotta shit around, and I cant seem to say no. And the attention excites me, I can not pretend it dont, but it mortifies me too. How do I balance that?! Being fucked up just makes it all so easier, relaxes me, puts me in that peaceful Hindu cow state. Without that shit, how could I show up? That is the question I gotta try to deal with. Fuck...
I hope yall are all good. I gotta fuckin write. Find out what is goin on in that twisted place of my brain.
Yers, Jt
posted by JT LeRoy at 7:29 PM
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