April 05, 2003 - 10:52 p.m.

Started this in March: Sorry for the silence… I been way way too in my head and just tired. I am not sure where to start. I am getting overwhelmed by the littlest thing and the idea of tryin to hold a moment is too painful to even think about. I been having trouble sleeping. Just wake up in a panic. I am very freaked about NY and Pittsburgh. Shirley called me today and I just cracked, just too much… this is not the time to write this. Folks are getting interviewed about me for a story in Vanity Fair and it is disconcerting. I owe everyone birthday cards, presents, xmas cards, valentines day wishes, I will screw up Saint Patrick’s day and can feel guilty about that. Sorry… I am empty. Useless. In severe self hate. I had therapy today. It did not fix me. Darn. Harold’s End is coming out as a book with two different covers in Italy. I spoke to Dave Eggers today bout writing something for it, he is the one that got that story out of me. It was very soothing to talk to him, its like Billy, just knows how to map it out and clear the path for me, I cant explain it. There is a lot of swell stuff happening, I just am in my own way. Asia is casting The Heart and that is swell. It was intense tho, just like transference stuff goin on… I just thought I would be more removed then I am. I mean she has really invited me in on the process, engaged me and I am very involved now. And it brings up a lot of emotions. I was scared it would get between us, but she got it. Sometimes she just has to say, I’m am not Sarah… I mean we are recreating something, fleshing it out again. And it is as if I get to go back in time and say… hmmm… well, maybe it should look like this… It is complex. I just spoke to Billy and he straightens my ass out. I am so happy that we will be back in SF for the Zwan show. He is gonna come hang out and play slot cars with Thor, it’ll be great to have him over and just be. I gotta go to sleep… I’ll write more tomorrow, this aint so bad… I mean, it is relieving even if I am just writing drivel… Ok, so it is April now… and re-reading this is painful coz not a lot has not changed. I am very busy with just handling “stuff” around the shows and there is not any time for writing and I feel very edgy. I feel myself retreating internally. It is hard to hang on to the good. To remember this even it a good thing, it is not something being inflicted, tho… I can feel like that. I feel the shell growing up around me. I guess I shift into it, but the experience of it is, it moves up around me. The war, the world out there is painful, obviously. I have to not watch TV or read the papers. I just don’t. But the ache is still there. And this benefit is for a very worthy cause, and it is an opportunity for me to reach back and offer my hand out to those that need what I was so freely given. I’ve felt for so long like I was still drowning, so how can I “save” anyone else… I don’t think I am drowning any more, even tho at times I can find no air… I don’t think I am swimming yet either… I am on the beach maybe, dryin out some… Argh.. this is hard… Speedie and Astor have been there for me, my net. And know they are goin out there, in a way that I never have, and it is so brave… and it changes the dynamics here, in a way that is sorta hard to adjust to, but it is very good. It is good for me to be there for them. To get out of my self-involved naval gazing and be a support for them. To grow up some… Speedie is goin out there and we drafted her to sing, in the beginging very much against her will. You should hear her cussin us out on the pre roll of demo recordings… like the Oasis brothers fighting… the thing is, she was told these were just scratch vocals and of course we would get a “real” singer… so she is standin there in our kid’s bedroom sayin how she has to go pee and can we get on with it and goes from there… she is scared. So havin y’all that are goin to be at the reading, to love on her, is magnificent. And needed. Astor too. I think we have a lot to combat against; coz there is this concept that an artist can only be decent at one thing. And most “writer bands” are joke bands. Thistle is not…by golly. We are goin to Saturday Night Live on the 12th of April. Zwan will be the musical guest so we is ah’ goin. It just worked out like that, that we will be there, and that to me is that magic at work… Feels like I have so much to say and nuthin t’at all… so I will just… blab… We are very into The Ali G. show on HBO. If ya ain’t checked it out, check it out! He is a fuckin genius! Like Andy Kaufman, but accurately funny, without the intense cruelty of Andy. I am also obsessed with, ok I know how lame this will sound, but with the Spiderman movie. I was at the gym, and they were showing it, and the gym staff had to tell me I was on the elliptical machine for way too long, coz they kept re-showing the film and I kept watching it. I was mesmerized. If you get past the obviously goofy shit, the story, what goes on, the themes it touches on, man.. It catches me. I feel so inspired, like it is what I am doin in my book, the new one I am workin on. If anyone knows, if anything has been written analyzing the film, the script, I would love to read it. That film just nails me every time… and it should be something like The Pianist that I am writing about, but I have not seen that, coz I am scared to. But for right now, Spiderman is it for me. Thass where I am at. I mean, fairytales capture and play out all our primal fears and fantasies, they work out our themes our issues our nightmares our dreams… that is what Spiderman is and right now, it hits my story in a very rudimentary and honest way. So yeah, Ali G. And the other HBO show, Six Feet Under. And SPONGE BOB rules! Am I too dang sophisticated for y’all? I am such a fuckin 12 year old… I eat like one too. Jonsi from sigur rós has been sending me chocolate from around the world. I get clean off the stuff for a bit and then a package arrives. I am in it right now. My second bar of the day. Speedie wants me to share, but she is in training for the show, so I have my reason for being a secretive greedy pig and HOGGIN IT ALL!! HAHAHAHA, I aint gotta get my fat tush on stage! I did really dig Chicago, I gotta say. I haven’t seen any films in a very long time. I only leave the house to go workout or something like that. My circle is very small. Hey if anyone has a car in NY, lookin for a ride from/to the airport. Fuckin expensive and I ain’t getting no dang $ support from Bloomsbury, tho I am doin book promotion… whatever… So I will see some of y’all in NY and Pittsburgh. I will be the one donning a shell. --Jt