May 17, 2003 - 11:48 a.m.
Hi y’all,
I ain’t wrote in a time. Just been in my head too much, as usual, tryin to get my footing, these “outings” are hard, coz my usual life takes place in my room, in our house. (Our = me, Astor, Speedie and our son Thor.) I do not usually go out and attend parties, shows, readings, premieres, etc… I very much live in extremes, when I am out - I am out, I have no choice in a way. I am not at home, cant hole up. And I use to get through it and that does not work for me. I have not learned balance yet and maybe I never will. What works best is me just writing, in our living room, finding out what I feel, who the fuck I am. This is goin to be short, I think…
About NY, it was swell, we raised some funds for McAuley and no one got hurt. What more can ya ask for? I was really relieved that it all went as swimmingly as it did. It was grand that a lot of y’all were there! That felt really magical. Fleshing ourselves out from the screened in world in which we live so to speak. It was hard to keep focused, it was overwhelming and I was just tryin to take it in. Arthur Bradford’s song made me cry. It was so funny, clever, moving and just wonderful… he was up first and what all he said and how he said/ sang it cracked the layer I had around me, and was like a fishhook draggin me into my body and feelings. But, alas, I didn’t stay there – present, but for that time… I was protected and it felt first-rate, by golly. It was all very intense and I pulled back till I was just watching it from a pinhole. Thistle playing was magnificent, coz I know folks was waiting to see if we suck – are like a joke band. And they were really superb, Speedie spoke to the audience and with Astor, and they really brought that family thing, inclusive – instead of that, “we’re here, yer not, look at us, aren’t we the coolest…” bullshit. There were folks there that I KNOW would be candid, if not to me, then to their manger Brian Young. Debbie Harry, Tatum O’Neal, Asia Argento and Shirley Manson all said Thistle were fuckin groovy as fuck. They said swell stuff to Speedie, to me, to Astor and we tried to hold on to it. Speedie said she felt like Cinderella. I think we all did. Now she ain’t in no Gary Graham hand sewn on dress, I can tell ya that! No make-up, which is the usual and what we all prefer, coz she hates takin the shit off and we have to live with a girl that has days old make-up on, and it gets on the towels like she is leaking ink. She is wearing thick socks, thermal underwear, a plaid nightshirt (it is chilly here) and a fuckin beret. She is tryin to talk on the phone and I am reading this to her to distract her. It is not working. Astor is making a split pea soup. He is the cook and caretaker and makes the best dang soups and thank the Lord for him. Thor is playing a video game on his PC. Ain’t no play station in this house, not yet anyways. Uh, anyone out there get a discount on them? I ain’t got enuff to distract me from writing my next book. Done read the Fingerhut catalog too many times. While I am fishin, anyone got any hookups for discount on a video camera? I want one bad.
Pittsburgh was fun, very laid back. I was so into the Warhol museum, I will write more on that soon. Our hotel was right across from the baseball stadium so Astor took Thor to a Pirates game, while Speedie and me walked along the river and digested all that had went down. We walked past the Heinz ketchup factory and I got weepy. That thare place has produced many meals I’ve partook of – nothing like some ole 57, water, sugar, milk, cheerios, and ok, I will stop it there or some of y’all more delicate types will be hosin’ off yer keyboards soon. So when we all met up, there was a restaurant with Easter eggs for kids, and we gave a few to Thor and then we stood there opening them to find the stuff we wanted. The staff was uh, dismayed, but said nothing. We were helpless in the face of FREE CANDY. And all the shows were done. After so long of preparing, anticipation and all that, it was all over, this was our day off. We left the next day for back home.
Thor said, “how come you get to eat so much candy.” And I said uh, sagely, “Coz we’re bigger.” And that seemed to actually work but we tried to be more discreet as we stuffed Peanut Butter cups into our mouths.
Speedie& I worked out on the plane ride back, she taught me how. She is friendly to the staff and they let us hang in the back. We held the sitting/ squat position for 4 minutes, one of the flight attendants timed us. We did standing up pushups against the galley back wall of the plane. I don’t know what Speedie did in the bathroom, but she came out in quite a sweat. Just kiddin’. The next day Zwan was here, and Billy Corgan came over to our house, which was really entertaining. He laughed when he saw our living room – where I write, the stacks of stuff – the fabulous mess. He said he wanted to see where it all takes place and as he did, his facial expression was very similar to the waitresses in Pittsburgh watching their Easter Eggs raped. It is a BIG mess. Creatures live there, it is there home, who am I to fuck with that? Thor got Billy to watch him play a video game, Lego Island Racing, I am sure it was the highlight of Billy’s tour.
He and Speedie disappeared together - we met up after the show. I heard they had matzoh ball soup. Jimmy Chamberlain offered to give Thor a drumming lesson, which Thor desires very much. Speedie was on the side backstage, we were in the audience. The show was mind-blowing. It was. Billy is. Get the new Zwan if y’all ain’t yet. We been listening to it non-stop… I really am now into that song Heartsong… “I still love my mom…” makes me… break.
The next night we all went out to this really amazing vegetarian gourmet restaurant, Millennium,. I was gonna write about it for 7x7 (which I did and the story I wrote about the dinner will be out in 7x7 mag soon) and they used that we were there for some gossip columns so it was $FREE$. And I wanted to take Billy out, coz I think folks always expect him to pay, and he knows we ain’t got no money and I really don’t. Folks don’t read. At least not mah books the way they do if I was say, Danielle Steel. Hmmm… Maybe one day that will change, when I out myself as really being Ms Steel, (the boy of Steel – has a ring) but for now… every month be a hustle. Do the hustle… Billy left a $100 tip.. And he liked the story I wrote to pay for it. I nailed some shit that I didn’t know, couldn’t express until I wrote it. Billy agreed with it. It is strange how I can feel something and not know it, understand it in this part of my brain, but it is wrapped up, until I write and then I go, “AHA!” I have no idea, just like a vague tingle like an asleep limb is slowly being stepped on, and it takes walkin on it some for the life to flow back into it… but it comes, uh, moves me some place else… tadah!
Arthur Bradford came to town and this guy Chris Sullivan, fuckin legend of a guy, he wrote this exhaustive book on punk called, well, “PUNKS”. We happened to be the proud owner of it, but, gasp, I didn’t even know who he was till we were scarfing sushi with him. They want to put Thistle in the first issue of the new mag he is doing with Marlon Richards in the UK. It was great to see Arthur here in SF right after NY. I do dig that guy, every person does, he is charismatic like that. Ya just wanna pillage the dude, much like those more Easter eggs in Pittsburgh. He interviewed me for the next issue of 7x7, their anniversary issue. He was here for Egger’s wedding. I do love Mr. Eggers and know him and Vendela will continue bringin’ wonderful gifts to the world. I got to speak to Zadie Smith (author of White Teeth), she said grand stuff to me, givin’ me confidence and permission to write that lasted a whole weekend!
Some other stuff, y’all should check out: Strapped For Cash, by Mack Friedman
Here is an excerpt:
http://www.alyson.com/html/strapped/strapped_excrpt.html
It is fuckin great book! Just check it out… buy it, you will be impressed.
What I am reading, or was, Motherless Brooklyn by Jonathan Lethem, very into it but I lost it somefuckinhow! And I LOVED it. So into it. So until I get to a bookstore and can steal another one, heh-heh, did I say steal? I meant buy, buy, buy… yeah, I must do what I want others to do on to me. Steal steal steal.. Oh dang.
So I started reading the BFI Film Classics which is “a series of succinct, finely written,
beautifully illustrated books that honor the great films of world cinema…” So they ask different writers to write about a film. And they actually asked me to write about “My Own Private Idaho” and I am very jazzed (oh I like sayin that word!) about doing it. I just read Salmon Rushdie on Wizard of Oz. I think the Wizard of Oz, like all films or books or records that have great resonance, deals in the universal unconscious. I am massively moved by Mr. Rushdie's ability to translate the language of the unconscious. And I think I have that sense about Idaho. I haven’t explored all of what that film means to me, heaved back the layers, I am looking forward to the rip through my emotions journey. I can sense the razor being stropped in some part of my brain even as I write this. I hope they still want me to do it.
I also got way into MTV’s Real World/ Road Rules Battle of the Sexes. And I am man enuff to proclaim it! Or close enuff to my teen years! I fuckin dug that show. And I have to say, I so worship Ruthie. She always is so fuckin just… glorious. I love the t-shirt she wore that said, “I lie to boys” on it. Right on Ruthie! She just has so much heart, passion and in those shows, yer fuckin core comes out, her essence is just so pure guts and heart. She’s got her shit, but she battles with it as honestly as she can. She is noble. She is heroic. When the folks on the show, her group, hear about the next fucked up challenge she just laughs - she’s game. And she is one of the few that does not come from privilege, she’s suffered and has the core to show for it. I never thought I would be waxin all over a reality show star, but man, I wish there were more Ruthies in the world.
I am into like the rest of the world, the new White Stripes. And I got it on vinyl – naw naw, aint I the shit, naw naw… (ain’t got no record player, naw naw)… The Statistics (on Jade Tree) and this band I really like called Earlimart http://www.earlimartmusic.com/
Stuff is startin to really happen for Thistle and we be diggin it, and I’ve been writing a lotta music, all us, Astor, Speedie and me in our kitchen, and that fills me more then most anything. Even more then dark organic chocolate. Which I am out of coz Speedie found my fuckin supply I had duct taped under my desk. How’d she find it? Blood Hounds I bet. And it was my special stash from Jonsi (singer from Sigur Roos), he’s sent me bars from around the world. It was a cementing of our love. And SPEEDIE ate it!!! She destroyed the symbol of love and she mocks me by the brown smudge of it on her mouth like one of them milk commercials but with say chocolate or or or POOP, coz she is a big POOPhead and I am infantile enuff to say it!!! Oh, her breath smells very good tho. Speedie? Can I lick yer tongue? Yum… wait, stop, our son is coming in, and I will need to sell way too many books for his therapy fund if he sees this. That should be the next benefit we do. Thor’s therapy fund.
I need to tape my dark organic chocolate to my stomach ala Midnight Express, Billy Hayes style, but look where it got him. Do they make dark organic chocolate in Turkey? And to y’all DEA agents/ Sarah fans, yes, pathetically enuff, I am not using metaphors. I AM talkin bout the melty ompah-loompah type brunette stuff, that you gobble. Well, I inhale, but that is my personal hell, one of which I will write a Jerry Stahl like memoir all about, the sordidness is endless. I have no shame. I will hustle anyone for a bar. A reporter that was taken to see my writing space, examined my keyboard and compassionately commented on how moving it was that I was so compelled to write that you could see I typed till my fingers were raw -till they bled! I’m like uh dude, thass uh, dark organic chocolate.
Is there dark organic chocolate anonymous?
The Heart Is Deceitful Film is happening and it is so daunting, exhilarating and challenging. Much like MTV’s Real World/ Road Rules Battle of the Sexes! So, Winona is in the film and I don’t know what I am allowed to say or not so until I clear with Asia, I gotta… ya know, shut-le fuck up. We finished the script, just goin over it, she really is involving me, which is both excruciating and affecting. I try to remove myself emotionally from the subject and just eradicate the feelings, be subjective so I can be of some use. Otherwise it gets… messy… I cant future trip. About anything. “Day At A Time!” I learned that in dark organic chocolate anonymous! I gotta be where I be at ya know. Or my keyboard bleeds.
Ok, I gotta eat some of that soup, I hear Astor’s spoon clinkin and I think that is a passive-aggressive way of him sayin it is done, coz he ain’t got out the cowbell and hollered, “Soups on!” like he should dagnamit! Cant get decent caretakin round here! They steal yer dark organic chocolate and become rockstars! What is an addict to do?!!!
D’oh!
Thanks again for all y’alls bein there and just remember, I want to fuck shit up (in a munificent way), so get into the art, not the creator.
Yours, JT
I ain’t wrote in a time. Just been in my head too much, as usual, tryin to get my footing, these “outings” are hard, coz my usual life takes place in my room, in our house. (Our = me, Astor, Speedie and our son Thor.) I do not usually go out and attend parties, shows, readings, premieres, etc… I very much live in extremes, when I am out - I am out, I have no choice in a way. I am not at home, cant hole up. And I use to get through it and that does not work for me. I have not learned balance yet and maybe I never will. What works best is me just writing, in our living room, finding out what I feel, who the fuck I am. This is goin to be short, I think…
About NY, it was swell, we raised some funds for McAuley and no one got hurt. What more can ya ask for? I was really relieved that it all went as swimmingly as it did. It was grand that a lot of y’all were there! That felt really magical. Fleshing ourselves out from the screened in world in which we live so to speak. It was hard to keep focused, it was overwhelming and I was just tryin to take it in. Arthur Bradford’s song made me cry. It was so funny, clever, moving and just wonderful… he was up first and what all he said and how he said/ sang it cracked the layer I had around me, and was like a fishhook draggin me into my body and feelings. But, alas, I didn’t stay there – present, but for that time… I was protected and it felt first-rate, by golly. It was all very intense and I pulled back till I was just watching it from a pinhole. Thistle playing was magnificent, coz I know folks was waiting to see if we suck – are like a joke band. And they were really superb, Speedie spoke to the audience and with Astor, and they really brought that family thing, inclusive – instead of that, “we’re here, yer not, look at us, aren’t we the coolest…” bullshit. There were folks there that I KNOW would be candid, if not to me, then to their manger Brian Young. Debbie Harry, Tatum O’Neal, Asia Argento and Shirley Manson all said Thistle were fuckin groovy as fuck. They said swell stuff to Speedie, to me, to Astor and we tried to hold on to it. Speedie said she felt like Cinderella. I think we all did. Now she ain’t in no Gary Graham hand sewn on dress, I can tell ya that! No make-up, which is the usual and what we all prefer, coz she hates takin the shit off and we have to live with a girl that has days old make-up on, and it gets on the towels like she is leaking ink. She is wearing thick socks, thermal underwear, a plaid nightshirt (it is chilly here) and a fuckin beret. She is tryin to talk on the phone and I am reading this to her to distract her. It is not working. Astor is making a split pea soup. He is the cook and caretaker and makes the best dang soups and thank the Lord for him. Thor is playing a video game on his PC. Ain’t no play station in this house, not yet anyways. Uh, anyone out there get a discount on them? I ain’t got enuff to distract me from writing my next book. Done read the Fingerhut catalog too many times. While I am fishin, anyone got any hookups for discount on a video camera? I want one bad.
Pittsburgh was fun, very laid back. I was so into the Warhol museum, I will write more on that soon. Our hotel was right across from the baseball stadium so Astor took Thor to a Pirates game, while Speedie and me walked along the river and digested all that had went down. We walked past the Heinz ketchup factory and I got weepy. That thare place has produced many meals I’ve partook of – nothing like some ole 57, water, sugar, milk, cheerios, and ok, I will stop it there or some of y’all more delicate types will be hosin’ off yer keyboards soon. So when we all met up, there was a restaurant with Easter eggs for kids, and we gave a few to Thor and then we stood there opening them to find the stuff we wanted. The staff was uh, dismayed, but said nothing. We were helpless in the face of FREE CANDY. And all the shows were done. After so long of preparing, anticipation and all that, it was all over, this was our day off. We left the next day for back home.
Thor said, “how come you get to eat so much candy.” And I said uh, sagely, “Coz we’re bigger.” And that seemed to actually work but we tried to be more discreet as we stuffed Peanut Butter cups into our mouths.
Speedie& I worked out on the plane ride back, she taught me how. She is friendly to the staff and they let us hang in the back. We held the sitting/ squat position for 4 minutes, one of the flight attendants timed us. We did standing up pushups against the galley back wall of the plane. I don’t know what Speedie did in the bathroom, but she came out in quite a sweat. Just kiddin’. The next day Zwan was here, and Billy Corgan came over to our house, which was really entertaining. He laughed when he saw our living room – where I write, the stacks of stuff – the fabulous mess. He said he wanted to see where it all takes place and as he did, his facial expression was very similar to the waitresses in Pittsburgh watching their Easter Eggs raped. It is a BIG mess. Creatures live there, it is there home, who am I to fuck with that? Thor got Billy to watch him play a video game, Lego Island Racing, I am sure it was the highlight of Billy’s tour.
He and Speedie disappeared together - we met up after the show. I heard they had matzoh ball soup. Jimmy Chamberlain offered to give Thor a drumming lesson, which Thor desires very much. Speedie was on the side backstage, we were in the audience. The show was mind-blowing. It was. Billy is. Get the new Zwan if y’all ain’t yet. We been listening to it non-stop… I really am now into that song Heartsong… “I still love my mom…” makes me… break.
The next night we all went out to this really amazing vegetarian gourmet restaurant, Millennium,. I was gonna write about it for 7x7 (which I did and the story I wrote about the dinner will be out in 7x7 mag soon) and they used that we were there for some gossip columns so it was $FREE$. And I wanted to take Billy out, coz I think folks always expect him to pay, and he knows we ain’t got no money and I really don’t. Folks don’t read. At least not mah books the way they do if I was say, Danielle Steel. Hmmm… Maybe one day that will change, when I out myself as really being Ms Steel, (the boy of Steel – has a ring) but for now… every month be a hustle. Do the hustle… Billy left a $100 tip.. And he liked the story I wrote to pay for it. I nailed some shit that I didn’t know, couldn’t express until I wrote it. Billy agreed with it. It is strange how I can feel something and not know it, understand it in this part of my brain, but it is wrapped up, until I write and then I go, “AHA!” I have no idea, just like a vague tingle like an asleep limb is slowly being stepped on, and it takes walkin on it some for the life to flow back into it… but it comes, uh, moves me some place else… tadah!
Arthur Bradford came to town and this guy Chris Sullivan, fuckin legend of a guy, he wrote this exhaustive book on punk called, well, “PUNKS”. We happened to be the proud owner of it, but, gasp, I didn’t even know who he was till we were scarfing sushi with him. They want to put Thistle in the first issue of the new mag he is doing with Marlon Richards in the UK. It was great to see Arthur here in SF right after NY. I do dig that guy, every person does, he is charismatic like that. Ya just wanna pillage the dude, much like those more Easter eggs in Pittsburgh. He interviewed me for the next issue of 7x7, their anniversary issue. He was here for Egger’s wedding. I do love Mr. Eggers and know him and Vendela will continue bringin’ wonderful gifts to the world. I got to speak to Zadie Smith (author of White Teeth), she said grand stuff to me, givin’ me confidence and permission to write that lasted a whole weekend!
Some other stuff, y’all should check out: Strapped For Cash, by Mack Friedman
Here is an excerpt:
http://www.alyson.com/html/strapped/strapped_excrpt.html
It is fuckin great book! Just check it out… buy it, you will be impressed.
What I am reading, or was, Motherless Brooklyn by Jonathan Lethem, very into it but I lost it somefuckinhow! And I LOVED it. So into it. So until I get to a bookstore and can steal another one, heh-heh, did I say steal? I meant buy, buy, buy… yeah, I must do what I want others to do on to me. Steal steal steal.. Oh dang.
So I started reading the BFI Film Classics which is “a series of succinct, finely written,
beautifully illustrated books that honor the great films of world cinema…” So they ask different writers to write about a film. And they actually asked me to write about “My Own Private Idaho” and I am very jazzed (oh I like sayin that word!) about doing it. I just read Salmon Rushdie on Wizard of Oz. I think the Wizard of Oz, like all films or books or records that have great resonance, deals in the universal unconscious. I am massively moved by Mr. Rushdie's ability to translate the language of the unconscious. And I think I have that sense about Idaho. I haven’t explored all of what that film means to me, heaved back the layers, I am looking forward to the rip through my emotions journey. I can sense the razor being stropped in some part of my brain even as I write this. I hope they still want me to do it.
I also got way into MTV’s Real World/ Road Rules Battle of the Sexes. And I am man enuff to proclaim it! Or close enuff to my teen years! I fuckin dug that show. And I have to say, I so worship Ruthie. She always is so fuckin just… glorious. I love the t-shirt she wore that said, “I lie to boys” on it. Right on Ruthie! She just has so much heart, passion and in those shows, yer fuckin core comes out, her essence is just so pure guts and heart. She’s got her shit, but she battles with it as honestly as she can. She is noble. She is heroic. When the folks on the show, her group, hear about the next fucked up challenge she just laughs - she’s game. And she is one of the few that does not come from privilege, she’s suffered and has the core to show for it. I never thought I would be waxin all over a reality show star, but man, I wish there were more Ruthies in the world.
I am into like the rest of the world, the new White Stripes. And I got it on vinyl – naw naw, aint I the shit, naw naw… (ain’t got no record player, naw naw)… The Statistics (on Jade Tree) and this band I really like called Earlimart http://www.earlimartmusic.com/
Stuff is startin to really happen for Thistle and we be diggin it, and I’ve been writing a lotta music, all us, Astor, Speedie and me in our kitchen, and that fills me more then most anything. Even more then dark organic chocolate. Which I am out of coz Speedie found my fuckin supply I had duct taped under my desk. How’d she find it? Blood Hounds I bet. And it was my special stash from Jonsi (singer from Sigur Roos), he’s sent me bars from around the world. It was a cementing of our love. And SPEEDIE ate it!!! She destroyed the symbol of love and she mocks me by the brown smudge of it on her mouth like one of them milk commercials but with say chocolate or or or POOP, coz she is a big POOPhead and I am infantile enuff to say it!!! Oh, her breath smells very good tho. Speedie? Can I lick yer tongue? Yum… wait, stop, our son is coming in, and I will need to sell way too many books for his therapy fund if he sees this. That should be the next benefit we do. Thor’s therapy fund.
I need to tape my dark organic chocolate to my stomach ala Midnight Express, Billy Hayes style, but look where it got him. Do they make dark organic chocolate in Turkey? And to y’all DEA agents/ Sarah fans, yes, pathetically enuff, I am not using metaphors. I AM talkin bout the melty ompah-loompah type brunette stuff, that you gobble. Well, I inhale, but that is my personal hell, one of which I will write a Jerry Stahl like memoir all about, the sordidness is endless. I have no shame. I will hustle anyone for a bar. A reporter that was taken to see my writing space, examined my keyboard and compassionately commented on how moving it was that I was so compelled to write that you could see I typed till my fingers were raw -till they bled! I’m like uh dude, thass uh, dark organic chocolate.
Is there dark organic chocolate anonymous?
The Heart Is Deceitful Film is happening and it is so daunting, exhilarating and challenging. Much like MTV’s Real World/ Road Rules Battle of the Sexes! So, Winona is in the film and I don’t know what I am allowed to say or not so until I clear with Asia, I gotta… ya know, shut-le fuck up. We finished the script, just goin over it, she really is involving me, which is both excruciating and affecting. I try to remove myself emotionally from the subject and just eradicate the feelings, be subjective so I can be of some use. Otherwise it gets… messy… I cant future trip. About anything. “Day At A Time!” I learned that in dark organic chocolate anonymous! I gotta be where I be at ya know. Or my keyboard bleeds.
Ok, I gotta eat some of that soup, I hear Astor’s spoon clinkin and I think that is a passive-aggressive way of him sayin it is done, coz he ain’t got out the cowbell and hollered, “Soups on!” like he should dagnamit! Cant get decent caretakin round here! They steal yer dark organic chocolate and become rockstars! What is an addict to do?!!!
D’oh!
Thanks again for all y’alls bein there and just remember, I want to fuck shit up (in a munificent way), so get into the art, not the creator.
Yours, JT
posted by JT LeRoy at 2:48 PM
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