March 9th 12:50 AM
Ok, I am coming to realize my life is a fairy tale. A Grimm fairy tale, but a fairy tale.. Meaning if a dragon thrust its head out my toilet bowl whist I was upon it, I wouldn’t bat an eyelash as I was hollering.
I am goin to Deadwood. I am goin to Deadwood. Let me say it one more time so I believe it. I am goin to fuckin Deadwood!!!!!!!!!!! I been invited to the set and I am goin on Thursday. It is all I can think about, and uh, I got a lotta other stuff I should be thinking bout. I am gonna meet the cast and get to hang out with David Milch the creator and genius writer and who I am just in awe of and I feel can push me to the next level creatively and more importantly my being. There is an interview with him in the Feb 14th New Yorker that y’all should track down and read. Here are some things he says,
“You know, they tell you to carry the message. (he is talkin 12 Step) And the reason is not to get people into the tent; it’s because the act of generosity is what keeps you fit against the distorted perspective of disease, which is isolation.” And other stuff he says, “…that the act of writing should be “a going out in spirit.”
He is a former addict and I just relate so completely, about the goal of creatively and forming community… as an addict in recovery… and I am as excited as I’ve been in a long fuckin time. And it just makes me realize so much… why having the contact with y’all is vital to me, coz ya’ll are the ones reading and absorbing the essence of what is there, and what is being expressed, not just reading some magazine articles and making judgments about me without having read a word… and like with the film, they are seeing a new archetype, and some, they cant handle something new, or just cant frame it, so they take Asia’s Sarah and say, oh, it’s Courtney Love. They are missing what is unfolding before their eyes. And its like with me, folks will always focus on the celebrity thing… and ya know what… I bet ya Hansel and Gretel had a hard time not talkin non-stop about the fact that they were in a goddamn candy house, even when it was looking uh grim… coz when you been starving, you cant stop licking the fucking walls when you find yourself in Willie Wonka’s factory suddenly… I am not talking about those “celebrity” folks in a “check me out!” way.. for me it is truly a wonderment of the artists, the candyland I sometimes find myself in… but I never mistake it for my world, or that it means anything.. coz the truth is I hoped it would heal me. If you had told me years ago that Billy Corgan would tell me we stand toe to toe as artists and that would not suddenly shoot like those electrical rings around me that mend all ills… I woulda thought you was all wrong… but it does not fix… actually getting to know artists that go into such subterranean pits and can extricate those places of universal truth… it scares the shit outta me, coz for the most part.. these folks are in worse pain then me. They are on their path too and their fame just makes it worse in some ways, or harder… but their money sure does ease some shit.. that I wouldn’t mind some of… OK, so some folks want to write bout me is me in Candyland, well I do down a lotta fuckin chocolate, but I know where I live and who the fuck I am, well uh, depending on what lipstick shade I gots… I know and I hope y’all know, it ain’t about that. I am giving less and less of a shit… I pursue folks that move me, and that can come in an email or a song or a play or an HBO series… and I go after it with the fervor of they dying coz I have been and sometimes it is a day to day choice I have to make. I am amazed that it sometimes does not get easier. I don’t take my life for granted. And I want the same for y’all. I expect the same for y’all. I want to get the door open and take as many with me as I can. And I hope one day I have money coz then I can do more… Dave Eggers does that. He is about that, and press folks talk shit bout him… it always cracks me up. It is about having a voice… saying who we are… with craft that has an impact, with heart…
Check this out… from Milch bout Deadwood actors…
“….What I’m trying to suggest to the actors is that the modern situation is predicated upon the illusion of the self’s isolation – that business of ‘I’m alone, you’re alone, we can bullshit each other when we’re fucking or whatever else, but the truth is we’re alone. Right?’ Well, I believe that that is fundamentally an illusion.”
Me fuckin too… and I am deeply fucking flawed but I think I get now, that I am not a bad person tryin to get good, but a fucked up person tryin to get well… to be healthy and make choices and connections that stem from heath. And that comes to me through writing and overcoming my disease of isolation, coz sick shit flourishs in the dark. So that is why I connect the best I can. Why I put my email in the books. Why I say with wonderment what artists I am awed by… and if anyone wants to take it in any other way then I mean it, that’s their choice… I am practicing letting go of control that I don’t have anyways… or like what I’ve been told…”what other folks think of you is none of your fucking business…” I am a story teller and I am in love with the world of story telling. Through music, clothes, uh… food… I want to know who we are… coz I have so much fear I cant control and all I can do is search for others trying to say, this so much I know to be true… coz I am so fuckin scared that all I want to do is hide, and then all I want to do is abandon myself to life. Both at the same time… it makes it uh, complicated. I am so envious of folks that just take for granted leaving the house.. they just get up and go to work. Why is every fuckin time I leave, it is a colossal struggle and achievement. I am always scared too that I will loose it, my home, my family, there will be a fire, an earthquake.. it is all temporary and I am constantly mourning the potential losses and chastising myself for not preparing better for the inevitable.
But the telling who we are… who I am, in my essence…. Coz it is always changing and I reserve that right… to be different. That is what I owe y’all, and to help others do the same…. And I loose my path, but the pain brings me back, I can always always count on that… I can’t stray to far coz the emptiness of going astray kills me and I am forced back. I am goin to Deadwood and I can hardly wait.
I will let ya know how I fare… also havin’ some Hollywood type meetings. I just make sure they are over lunch… I am really just in it for the free fuckin food… I already asked about the fucking craft service on the Deadwood set. Gotta make sure I don’t starve… something’s never fuckin change… sorry for all the f’words. If you watch Deadwood, you’ll know my influences, tho I did know the word afore. Sarah was a huge fan of it. I miss her. Just overcame me… I think she would like Deadwood. I think she would wanna be up there with Asia at the showing of The Heart in NY tomorrow, and she would be saying that she is a real blonde even if her hair did go dark… she would.
Jt…
I am goin to Deadwood. I am goin to Deadwood. Let me say it one more time so I believe it. I am goin to fuckin Deadwood!!!!!!!!!!! I been invited to the set and I am goin on Thursday. It is all I can think about, and uh, I got a lotta other stuff I should be thinking bout. I am gonna meet the cast and get to hang out with David Milch the creator and genius writer and who I am just in awe of and I feel can push me to the next level creatively and more importantly my being. There is an interview with him in the Feb 14th New Yorker that y’all should track down and read. Here are some things he says,
“You know, they tell you to carry the message. (he is talkin 12 Step) And the reason is not to get people into the tent; it’s because the act of generosity is what keeps you fit against the distorted perspective of disease, which is isolation.” And other stuff he says, “…that the act of writing should be “a going out in spirit.”
He is a former addict and I just relate so completely, about the goal of creatively and forming community… as an addict in recovery… and I am as excited as I’ve been in a long fuckin time. And it just makes me realize so much… why having the contact with y’all is vital to me, coz ya’ll are the ones reading and absorbing the essence of what is there, and what is being expressed, not just reading some magazine articles and making judgments about me without having read a word… and like with the film, they are seeing a new archetype, and some, they cant handle something new, or just cant frame it, so they take Asia’s Sarah and say, oh, it’s Courtney Love. They are missing what is unfolding before their eyes. And its like with me, folks will always focus on the celebrity thing… and ya know what… I bet ya Hansel and Gretel had a hard time not talkin non-stop about the fact that they were in a goddamn candy house, even when it was looking uh grim… coz when you been starving, you cant stop licking the fucking walls when you find yourself in Willie Wonka’s factory suddenly… I am not talking about those “celebrity” folks in a “check me out!” way.. for me it is truly a wonderment of the artists, the candyland I sometimes find myself in… but I never mistake it for my world, or that it means anything.. coz the truth is I hoped it would heal me. If you had told me years ago that Billy Corgan would tell me we stand toe to toe as artists and that would not suddenly shoot like those electrical rings around me that mend all ills… I woulda thought you was all wrong… but it does not fix… actually getting to know artists that go into such subterranean pits and can extricate those places of universal truth… it scares the shit outta me, coz for the most part.. these folks are in worse pain then me. They are on their path too and their fame just makes it worse in some ways, or harder… but their money sure does ease some shit.. that I wouldn’t mind some of… OK, so some folks want to write bout me is me in Candyland, well I do down a lotta fuckin chocolate, but I know where I live and who the fuck I am, well uh, depending on what lipstick shade I gots… I know and I hope y’all know, it ain’t about that. I am giving less and less of a shit… I pursue folks that move me, and that can come in an email or a song or a play or an HBO series… and I go after it with the fervor of they dying coz I have been and sometimes it is a day to day choice I have to make. I am amazed that it sometimes does not get easier. I don’t take my life for granted. And I want the same for y’all. I expect the same for y’all. I want to get the door open and take as many with me as I can. And I hope one day I have money coz then I can do more… Dave Eggers does that. He is about that, and press folks talk shit bout him… it always cracks me up. It is about having a voice… saying who we are… with craft that has an impact, with heart…
Check this out… from Milch bout Deadwood actors…
“….What I’m trying to suggest to the actors is that the modern situation is predicated upon the illusion of the self’s isolation – that business of ‘I’m alone, you’re alone, we can bullshit each other when we’re fucking or whatever else, but the truth is we’re alone. Right?’ Well, I believe that that is fundamentally an illusion.”
Me fuckin too… and I am deeply fucking flawed but I think I get now, that I am not a bad person tryin to get good, but a fucked up person tryin to get well… to be healthy and make choices and connections that stem from heath. And that comes to me through writing and overcoming my disease of isolation, coz sick shit flourishs in the dark. So that is why I connect the best I can. Why I put my email in the books. Why I say with wonderment what artists I am awed by… and if anyone wants to take it in any other way then I mean it, that’s their choice… I am practicing letting go of control that I don’t have anyways… or like what I’ve been told…”what other folks think of you is none of your fucking business…” I am a story teller and I am in love with the world of story telling. Through music, clothes, uh… food… I want to know who we are… coz I have so much fear I cant control and all I can do is search for others trying to say, this so much I know to be true… coz I am so fuckin scared that all I want to do is hide, and then all I want to do is abandon myself to life. Both at the same time… it makes it uh, complicated. I am so envious of folks that just take for granted leaving the house.. they just get up and go to work. Why is every fuckin time I leave, it is a colossal struggle and achievement. I am always scared too that I will loose it, my home, my family, there will be a fire, an earthquake.. it is all temporary and I am constantly mourning the potential losses and chastising myself for not preparing better for the inevitable.
But the telling who we are… who I am, in my essence…. Coz it is always changing and I reserve that right… to be different. That is what I owe y’all, and to help others do the same…. And I loose my path, but the pain brings me back, I can always always count on that… I can’t stray to far coz the emptiness of going astray kills me and I am forced back. I am goin to Deadwood and I can hardly wait.
I will let ya know how I fare… also havin’ some Hollywood type meetings. I just make sure they are over lunch… I am really just in it for the free fuckin food… I already asked about the fucking craft service on the Deadwood set. Gotta make sure I don’t starve… something’s never fuckin change… sorry for all the f’words. If you watch Deadwood, you’ll know my influences, tho I did know the word afore. Sarah was a huge fan of it. I miss her. Just overcame me… I think she would like Deadwood. I think she would wanna be up there with Asia at the showing of The Heart in NY tomorrow, and she would be saying that she is a real blonde even if her hair did go dark… she would.
Jt…
posted by JT LeRoy at 3:50 AM
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