December 31, 2004

I haven’t posted in a whiles. Just feeling very lost… how do you balance your own emotional issues with living in a time of absolute disaster with our government? I have folks I know that are there in Iraq and the conditions are horrendous. Families have to send them flea collars, sunscreen, even flack jackets. They are not being supported on their return. How long before there is a draft? Did y’all see Farenhight 9/11? I am going to interview Michael and one thing I really want to ask him is, what is the best thing we can fuckin do right now? What are folks doing? How do we get out of our own crap enough… I just read how Robin Williams did shows for the troops, USO. I know his politics are no wheres near right wing, not by a long shot, but it’s very ethical that folks ain’t doing what they did to the Vietnam soldiers and mistaking them for the folks that sent them over there.
It’s amazing how we can live our lives and have no thought about the folks that are at war right now. That I can be just completely self-involved and have nothing that makes me give a crap. And I think that is the powerlessness and the apathy that is a part of our culture right now. I saw Fog Of War and I recommend everyone see it. It makes it very clear that we are going down the same rabbit hole as Vietnam. How can there not be a draft?
I am reading a lot of different books, articles, etc… and I am not that kind’ve writer to even attempt to distill some of the concepts I’ve been taking in. I just am left feeling very dumbfounded at my feeling of powerlessness and amazed at my desire to have to do something. I don’t know what… but we have to… "O, beware, my lord, of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock the meat it feeds on." Othello. ... dealing with that crap from folks I least expected it from and it is very painful. I wish I led the life some of these folks make up for me.
But I am still here stuck in my life. Wanting to parachute out. Out of being “JT LeRoy”… it makes it hard to do much of anything else. I feel so responsible, to answer emails and interviews and I can live in this very ephemeral world if I want, it is a very effective distraction. And a very painful one. I still reserve the right to not exist. I miss the days when I was a myth… but then my ego got in the way… and… it is complicated… I am Jt a lot now… less and less Jeremy… and my family is very protective of me. There have been some attacks by some folks that get very focused on me or my family and it is just scary how folks can loose focus of themselves and get delusional…
Writing again…
I spent some of xmas at the old church filling bags with stuff for these kids that gave me dirty looks. Or maybe I imagined those looks. I felt guilty. That I had a home to come back to. That I used to reveal in my bed and now I complain about the pillow and the dustmite cover. I cut my stomach today and I kept goin in deeper and deeper till I knew I had better stop or I was going to have to get stitches. And it scared me how I felt nothing. No pain at all. I kept waiting for the pain. Like I was digging for it. Nothing at all. But the blood was very bold, not pastel. That I liked seeing.
I had a friend that had just got cleaned up at this intense detox in Thiland and he was on the beach drying out more. He is someone I’ve wrote about. He was someone from my past that I very much wanted to be clean, so we could hold the past together, hold who we were in the past together and we talked about work we could do with street kids together in the future… and he fucking died. He fuckin died… and I hate the vulnerability of our lives. Of our hearts. Of our computers… it gets stuck in that… and how easily we can slip out of life and what would it mean? Argh… I just am avoiding stuff I have to do. I don’t want to do. I don’t respect suicides at all, but I understand it. Never was my bag, I have way too much hope and I know shit passes. I just don’t wanna be so stuck in my crap…
And yet I am. But there is always music… And now I will report in a very strange way to what is making me cheery.
The new Greenday record is a work of art. It is like The Who in so many ways. It energies me to take up arms, ya know do the Les Misérables, take to the street in arms kinda thing. Or at least do a sink full of greasy dishes. I love the story of it, how you can invent one around it all by yer lonesome. We drove round L.A. in B Young’s slick butt car with the bazillion dollah stereo blasting the Killers. That was fun, but Morrissey still stomps ass on everyone. I am doin a part Morrissey shirt. You’ll see… part of my plan to save the world. I still listen a LOT to American Analog Set. Like constantly.
http://www.amanset.com/recordings.htm
I put Zwan on a lot. Such a great record. And it makes me so sad they broke up, coz they were great. I understand why… believe me, but there was nothing like seeing them do Ride a Black Swan, hearing Billy sing, “A black swan rode me into my place of destiny… To love, to feel so madly…” I get chills every time. I can’t handle the thought that he wont do that song live again. I know he will. One day. Another thing to stick around for…
And films… I ain’t got out to see a lot, but I have been catching some of DVD. I did see the INCREDIBLES and I got it on DVD (THERE IS A DANG SANTA and he votes for the Academy!). This movie is PERFECT in my mind. I loved it! Two front teeth curb-chucked up! (Thass a good thing in this case.) Just so much I related to…

I love Mean Girls. So funny and well constructed. I like the rest of America and most of Iraq, love Tina Fey.

And I absolutely worship Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. Michel Gondry the director is BRILLIANT. It is my goal to work with him one day. See, yet more reasons for HOPE!!!! I love listening to the DVD extras, listening to him and Charlie Kaufman chat. Jim Carrey & Kate Winslet just are some of the best actors around. There, can you top that for a literate analytical review? The dang best around. More two front teeth curb-chucked up!

Oh oh oh oh… there is a story… I am obsessed with. He reminds me of Breece D’J Pancake.
Read this story. This is what writing should be. Charlie D'Ambrosio. He’s got a book too. The POINT



http://www.newyorker.com/fiction/content/?041011fi_fiction

It made me happy I was still alive to be able to have read this. And that there will be more from him… what? Yet, more reasons to stick around!

And then… folks… this is really the stuff I am lookin forward to…
This is from HBO:

Can't wait for Al Swearengen and the rest of Deadwood's rough-and-tumble crew to return? Then don't miss HBO's rebroadcast of season one, in back-to-back episodes, beginning January 3. Catch up on one of television's most acclaimed dramas before season two debuts this spring.

The action begins again on Sunday, January 3 at 9PM with episode 1, "Deadwood," followed immediately at 10 PM with episode 2, "Deep Water." Only on HBO!

I massively love this show. More then the Sopranos. Or Six Feet Under and a lotta that cast is in The Heart or uh, something… And I love that show too, but…
Anyways… this show… JESUS! Just when I wanna give up?! There is DEADWOOD to make life just bearable enough! So I can pray to the Lord that there is no brokedick earthquake to mess my little cautious world of Morrissey and Greenday and Deadwood. Please watch it so we can talk about it. I love love love Al Swearengen! Yes I do. I love this show. Yes I do. I am workin myself up. I am almost exultant… watch out world… I might have to go on a peace march or somethin’…


I don’t believe in the Happy new Year stuff, but it is a swell concept, so happy merry new year.
I gave some money I don’t have to folks that are doing working over in Indonesia, but maybe we can do something as a group. The way y’all read for Suzanne, so someone who is blind could hear? We should DO something… that random acts of kindness thing. But as a group. And it doesn’t have to involve money.
I am doing my part with benefits and tithing.. (not church…but services that really save!) So let’s do something were we connect and DO something coz I cant take a year of feeling like …


There is always (organic) white green tea (which I am out of) and dark chocolate with tasty bits inside of it.