November 12, 2002
Hi y'all... sorry so long, but I've been brain dead...
I wrote these a long time ago, lyrics below for Subway Hero
it is online now at www.thistlehq.com
I wrote em with Kurt in mind... and my own struggling with well, ya know... just all of it. I realized... like ya know how bands tend to have themes... it dawned on me a lot of my songs are about self hate... just surviving that, in one form or another, it can come down to that... I been sick, fighting a flu that just wont let go, sorry I been not writing... I am missing deadlines and I am just starting to give a fuck, so I guess I am getting better.
Thanks for all the wonderful bday wishes and cards and just thank you. It really really means so much, just to know
. I was on Kauai for my bday and we went to this Halloween thing at this Waldorf school there, and they gave me a trick or treat bag and I got a lotta loot too. I didnt get dressed up, well I did wear an old Italian cowboy hat Asia gave me. I wish I had spurs. I will write more soon. I have so much to say... It is hard to write anything that means something, that isnt merely reporting the superficial. I think folks have this expectation of me, to be deep or meaningful, but the truth is I can be more shallow then the Bush twins
I try to avoid my feelings and it is only pain the motivates me to try to connect, or at least the fear of pain
well not always, I get bored of being numb
But I often only find out how I am feeling after I write something. I sometimes gaze at my unopened emails and whisper to them, please save me
like wanting some email to be so exciting or life changing it will save me
and I used to think emailing with Madonna would do that, and while it really is swell, it unfortunately does not save me or fix me, but yet, I still hope that something outside myself will do that. And I do get addicted to that. And I would rather do that then write and be in my feelings
I am pretty disconnected right now and have not been writing and just feelin rage at myself for that and its building and I HATE being sick, I am not good at resting
and sleeping and taking care of myself?! Why me? Cant someone do that for me?!
Yeah, so
playing the new Jets To Brazil CD a whole lot. It is fucking GREAT! Very excited about the new Zwan
I can tell yall it will be AWESOME! Trust me, I know
Corgan is fuckin mindblowing!!! Always was, always will be. Genius is the only word to describe him. When I am not feeling, I turn to music, a lot of my emotions get released through just singing loudly
dont we all do that? Just a lot of work getting THISTLE going and I dig the music side of it, not the bullshit bizness side of it, burning CDs, making packages, emails
same with the books
oh fuck
I ate like a million too many Tofutti cutie bars, and everyone is gonna be pissed, I finished them, just could not stop. It was emotional. I dont even really like them, well I did up until like number 5
now I really want to drink some water and I wont let myself and my mouth is so dry, why wont I just get some water? Why am I into this? What the fuck is wrong with me? Duh! Next book: The Mouth is Thirsty Above All Things
I did an interview with Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters) which will be out new issue of FLAUNT Magazine. Went to see them too, stood by the Thom Yorke. There, thass something swell, that I can feel something bout
a feelin! Does it fix me? Uh
nope, not is the least. But is swell to be able to report
and I am all bout the swell. The superficially swell.
Asia
I am missing her
very badly
saw her for NY Times shoot. Seeing her next week. Jenkins is good for me, gets me out my head. He is great at asking for and getting what he wants. I have to learn
learn to say no if I want to. We had fun in Napa, I reckin I am just coming down off of it
Stephan and Asia cooked us dinner, we had a B-day party for everyone who done was having a bday
I dont like having my picture taken. I read Nathan Englander's gorgeous story collection, For the Relief of Unbearable Urges. I highly recommend it. It has a rhythm I found hypnotic.
I need to go running and cant. I have no endorphins and that makes me very very dangerous. I find ways to make them
Seeyas, Jt
SUBWAY HERO
Glass cuts and Razors Slide
When I hate hard to decide
When its me, yeah I slide
Fill my life with suicides
Get em back good
Another star that died
Makes me sick, so sick I slide
Take this pen and
draw all my love into me
Take this knife and cut me out
And tear me quickly
Its all I have to take
Its all I have to stay
so still
With all
Dont wanna slide away
Dont wanna slide away
I wrote these a long time ago, lyrics below for Subway Hero
it is online now at www.thistlehq.com
I wrote em with Kurt in mind... and my own struggling with well, ya know... just all of it. I realized... like ya know how bands tend to have themes... it dawned on me a lot of my songs are about self hate... just surviving that, in one form or another, it can come down to that... I been sick, fighting a flu that just wont let go, sorry I been not writing... I am missing deadlines and I am just starting to give a fuck, so I guess I am getting better.
Thanks for all the wonderful bday wishes and cards and just thank you. It really really means so much, just to know
. I was on Kauai for my bday and we went to this Halloween thing at this Waldorf school there, and they gave me a trick or treat bag and I got a lotta loot too. I didnt get dressed up, well I did wear an old Italian cowboy hat Asia gave me. I wish I had spurs. I will write more soon. I have so much to say... It is hard to write anything that means something, that isnt merely reporting the superficial. I think folks have this expectation of me, to be deep or meaningful, but the truth is I can be more shallow then the Bush twins
I try to avoid my feelings and it is only pain the motivates me to try to connect, or at least the fear of pain
well not always, I get bored of being numb
But I often only find out how I am feeling after I write something. I sometimes gaze at my unopened emails and whisper to them, please save me
like wanting some email to be so exciting or life changing it will save me
and I used to think emailing with Madonna would do that, and while it really is swell, it unfortunately does not save me or fix me, but yet, I still hope that something outside myself will do that. And I do get addicted to that. And I would rather do that then write and be in my feelings
I am pretty disconnected right now and have not been writing and just feelin rage at myself for that and its building and I HATE being sick, I am not good at resting
and sleeping and taking care of myself?! Why me? Cant someone do that for me?!
Yeah, so
playing the new Jets To Brazil CD a whole lot. It is fucking GREAT! Very excited about the new Zwan
I can tell yall it will be AWESOME! Trust me, I know
Corgan is fuckin mindblowing!!! Always was, always will be. Genius is the only word to describe him. When I am not feeling, I turn to music, a lot of my emotions get released through just singing loudly
dont we all do that? Just a lot of work getting THISTLE going and I dig the music side of it, not the bullshit bizness side of it, burning CDs, making packages, emails
same with the books
oh fuck
I ate like a million too many Tofutti cutie bars, and everyone is gonna be pissed, I finished them, just could not stop. It was emotional. I dont even really like them, well I did up until like number 5
now I really want to drink some water and I wont let myself and my mouth is so dry, why wont I just get some water? Why am I into this? What the fuck is wrong with me? Duh! Next book: The Mouth is Thirsty Above All Things
I did an interview with Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters) which will be out new issue of FLAUNT Magazine. Went to see them too, stood by the Thom Yorke. There, thass something swell, that I can feel something bout
a feelin! Does it fix me? Uh
nope, not is the least. But is swell to be able to report
and I am all bout the swell. The superficially swell.
Asia
I am missing her
very badly
saw her for NY Times shoot. Seeing her next week. Jenkins is good for me, gets me out my head. He is great at asking for and getting what he wants. I have to learn
learn to say no if I want to. We had fun in Napa, I reckin I am just coming down off of it
Stephan and Asia cooked us dinner, we had a B-day party for everyone who done was having a bday
I dont like having my picture taken. I read Nathan Englander's gorgeous story collection, For the Relief of Unbearable Urges. I highly recommend it. It has a rhythm I found hypnotic.
I need to go running and cant. I have no endorphins and that makes me very very dangerous. I find ways to make them
Seeyas, Jt
SUBWAY HERO
Glass cuts and Razors Slide
When I hate hard to decide
When its me, yeah I slide
Fill my life with suicides
Get em back good
Another star that died
Makes me sick, so sick I slide
Take this pen and
draw all my love into me
Take this knife and cut me out
And tear me quickly
Its all I have to take
Its all I have to stay
so still
With all
Dont wanna slide away
Dont wanna slide away
posted by JT LeRoy at 3:52 AM
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