Dear Lemony Snicket:

LETTERS TO DATEBOOK

Tuesday, April 13, 2004



Editor's note: Recently, Daniel Handler (a.k.a. Lemony Snicket) asked various writers to sign a petition in opposition to the Academy of Art University's decision not to renew the contract of teacher Jan Richman, who had assigned students to read a particular short story by David Foster Wallace. Among the writers asked to stand in opposition to the school was San Francisco's sprite of the back streets, JT LeRoy. This was his response to Handler:

Dear Mr. Handler:

I've heard about this violent story the offending student wrote. Did no one else pick up on this student's rage expressed to eyeballs?! My understanding is that in this student's story, eyeballs are consumed with a gourmand's relish. Perhaps I can shed some light on the restrained rage that brought this affair to a head, and thus, in doing so, you will be illuminated as to why the Academy of Art University administration should not only be supported but vindicated with some award.

I believe the school made the correct decision in expelling this student along with the profligate teacher. First off, David Foster Wallace is completely offensive, even in short story mode! He TOTALLLY overdoes the footnote scene and causes severe optical damage (thus explaining the student's expressed rage at eyeballs, much like the horse eyeball scene in "Equus!") from the tiny type and having to flip back and forth to even get a clue of what he is on about, and most art school students will not even bother to keep up with the numerology, except for how trippy it looks, especially after consuming mycophagy in a stir-fry. Also, reading Mr. Wallace absolutely causes the severe, often latent, inferiority complex of being an art school student to reassert itself with perhaps mortally wounding effect. Yes, it is severe abuse to teach such strenuous work to kids who want to make ART, save the world with their productions, and engage in mutually satisfying relations with other art school students. What student could tolerate this cruelty?

I support the school administration's firing of this teacher. They know what kind of students they have, and they need to tender them with the shielding care of Idi Amin. Otherwise, even our city will be very unsafe. What will these teachers be making these students read next? Dickens? Jesus, I shudder at the thought. Can you imagine the artistic carnage stemming from stories such as "A Tale of Two Cities" or "Oliver Twist?" -- chopping blocks from William Sonoma? Workhouse couture? Mr. Handler, can you honestly blame the administration for barring YOU from the building? Your ideas of first amendment rights ARE treacherous, especially in an art school setting in San Francisco! You symbolize tales of orphans, (what art school student has not claimed they were one?) who, despite overwhelming adversity, persevere against excessive nastiness with creativity and even spunk! These are obviously accounts of excessive liberalism and exert a subliminal message that is dangerous to our youth. Your fight for freedom of expression might lead art school students everywhere to drop their airbrush pens and bongs and take up arms. (These would be eventually utilized in very affecting shadow boxes to be displayed in the Mission. Said arms might still be attached.)

I plead with you to consider that sometimes the administration knows best. What happens when these kids take the Greyhound back to Idaho and their parents' worst fears are realized, as their progeny not only will no longer consume nonorganic meats, but also start to write wrathful stories about mall culture? This is what your freedom leads to. These students' parents have the hope that their children are learning a pleasant trade, not quite auto repair, but close. Maybe painting murals of dancing children for UNICEF or doing layouts for medical brochures. But instead, they are being incited to expressions of carnage by being forced to endure writing they wouldn't even attempt in any self-respecting junior college! Is anyone surprised at the results?

I am a writer. A dang freaky one at that. One that these students should also be cosseted from. If they read me, they might not become truck stop prostitutes, but they very well might do a fashion layout of Lot Lizards, and that does not play in Boise!

So therefore, I cannot, in clear conscience, lend my name to this petition, Mr. Handler. But you can use this letter if only to give an equal first amendment voice of support for the embattled administration. I oppose you with enormous trepidations, especially as films of our books might be going against each other and you will most likely whomp my ass at the box office. I don't have Jim Carey. I do, however, have Winona Ryder and Peter Fonda, and I think in an extreme wrestling match they could do some damage to Mr. Carey.